Karmic Bitch Slap Into Enlightenment...

I had the pleasure of experiencing a sort of karmic bitch slap this weekend. Something that caused me to apologize to someone out loud and very loudly. That person didn’t hear me of course. I just sent it out to the universe as a token of appreciation for the bitch slap received. A funny thing happens when you are faced with yourself and your actions as if you are looking in a mirror. It’s called enlightenment and from that, you hope to not only learn something, you hope to teach something too. Maybe even correct something that still pokes at you every now and again.
I don’t even have to go into great detail of the situation. What I can say that I learned a great deal about how we relate to one another and how the needs of one can be so selfish when they don’t consider the other. I learned what it felt like to be that other person dealing with me and I’m a little more than mortified at my past actions of self-absorption (never before have I acted like that. Now, I am finding myself on the other side and craving the self-discovery of “me alone time”. Especially when it comes to the job that I do.
I have this unbelievable job and while I’d like every session to be neat and tidy and within the confines of a fifty minute hour, it does not always happen. My problem with that is that sometimes I am faced with a tough one whose parents are freaking out and a kid that is acting a little bit more… How can I put this…? Hmmm… Sociopathic than usual? These are the ones that extend into your Friday night plans and can wreak havoc on your thoughts for the weekend because these sessions happen usually after 5pm and it's not like you can put them on hold. They have to play out and that other person in your personal life needs to understand that…On a Friday, sometimes work runs well past 5pm. These are the families that make me appreciate the transition time that I usually set up for myself. The transition time that I use to right my thoughts and actions so that I am a little less crazed and a little more understanding when my peronal life meets up with me again. The transition time that is vital between my job and my life if any relationship is going to work. It’s more than a commute time too. What you need to understand is that it is these families that make me swear like a truck driver, talk irrationally and quickly, and sometimes want to go a few rounds kick boxing to get the energy out (or just sing a lot and LOUDLY). Anything really to just get the adrenaline under control because I just spent 2 plus hours trying to rationalize with the irrational. It’s usually no more than an hour that I need tops and when I don’t get it, I now know how badly I need it (possibly crave it). My whole night is shot and I’m not fun to be around any more since I am still focused on the work I could not let go of and I’m a little annoyed at whoever intruded on my transition time. Doesn’t matter who it is really. When I say I’ll text you when I am done, it means stay put and I’ll text you when I am done. Not wait for me in my drive way. Sorry, went a little personal there… But it had to be said. My point is, respect me enough to know that I hate surprises directly after work…. It usually ends badly. And understand me enough to know that when I am not texting you back, it usually means I’m pretty involved in some intense shit at work. Stay put and I’ll get to you when I am done. OK, ok, I’m done…. But the serious point is that an understanding needs to happen in communication. Impulsivity in my life can be deadly...
Anyway, what I’m talking about is my mirror image here. Me, looking at myself from the shoes of another person. I had said that I needed time to myself. I didn’t say that I needed time to get text after text (since I’m ignoring them at this point) followed by a phone call… If I didn’t answer the texting, what makes you think I’m going to talk on the phone. I only use these personal facts to illustrate my own actions in the past that I am now faced with. For I was once that person I am now faced with. So, you see this is less about my weekend and more about me. My goodness, I was annoying… When faced with myself, I realize that that I had no self-respect for the relationship. It’s moments like this that have made me apologize over and over in my head and out loud because for the better part of the weekend, I have been walking in someone else’s shoes. The freaked out thing is that I know that someone unknowingly is walking in my shoes (hopefully not the 4 inch heels). He’s even uttered a few things that I have been known to utter in the past.  Crazy right? Like looking in a freakin’ mirror, I tell you. Something wants me to pay attention really badly. A nice karmic bitch slap has really gotten my attention to not only relationships but the basic rhythm of life. I am listening and I will learn and grow from this...
Relationships are tricky things… Trust me; I work in a business that is based on relationships in many forms. The most important is the relationship you have with yourself. Once you get a firm understanding of yourself, you can then branch out to others… I think that this weekend came just a little too late for someone though…. But I do believe the universe has something else planned for me...

Life at 5's and 9's....

Life is basically good these days... Just saying that sometimes you need to dig a little deeper... 

Today is one of those days when the pain is at a nine and the fog in my brain is not lifting much higher than the fog that is outside generated by the melting snow and rain that seems to be falling. I’m happy about the melting snow part since I am clearly not a winter soul (Go figure I settled in New Hampshire). The rest of it though, not so much. Although, you’d never know it just by looking at me. I know, I know, you’ve heard me say it before. I hide it well or I ignore and compartmentalize things that are happening so that I can get through the day (A standard truth that I will say over and over again). Wonder when I let it out? Usually at night… Usually alone. It works for me and the people I keep in my life. No sense in complicating an already complicated life and lifestyle. However, if anyone wants to lend an ear, I’d gladly take them up on it… A lap to crawl into is good too although sometimes I just need to curl into a ball and make myself really really small. And then there is a moment when I reach the end of that darkness… The sun comes out and I just know that everything is going to be alright. I like these moments and have experienced this phenomenon recently. Of course, it might not go as I had hoped originally. It might not even resemble the vision I had in my mind to begin with. But, there is a moment when all is quiet and everything… Just seems… Normal? And what is normal? Really?

For me, normal is when the music sounds sweet again. When the sun feels warm and I can breathe easy again. When situations just seem to be clicking together and while the pain remains at a minimum of a 5, I’m doing OK. It’s so peaceful in my life that it just feels good and calm. After all, this is about my crazy thyroid right now. What did you think it was about? See, the thyroid sets the metabolic rate and essentially rules over my entire life… My metabolic rate has unfortunately, been in over drive which sets ALL MY ORGANS into overdrive and for a number of years to boot. The rate I burn food and oxygen is twice the rate of what I would consider “normal” people. Although I still count myself as normal… And by normal (excluding me) I mean non-thyroid issue sufferers. Can you even begin to imagine what overdrive feels like? Go ahead, stop reading and try to picture it and feel it… Got it? And that is normal to me. Sad. It feels like I can’t catch up sometimes and when I do,  something inevitably pushes my systems back into overdrive. Why do I live like this? Because it’s the only normal I know. It’s how I have been feeling for years and it’s how I feel best (maybe…). Honestly, it works for me… Most of the time. Once you understand this part of me, you probably kind of get why I refuse to let the small stuff affect me. Why I refuse to let myself lie down and die over the little pit falls and road blocks of my life. Why I am so driven to find better ways of doing things and relating to the world around me. My point is that I live my life at a constant  5 through about a 9 and I am accustomed to basically throwing myself out of bed in the morning since I’m most stiff and sore then. I have enough on my plate that is HUGE and to be derailed by some little stuff just seems absurd to me. So I push myself to jus keep going and recover from anything tossed at me. Some think it’s cold. I know it’s just living. Oh, trust me, if it got to a 10 or beyond I’d be the first to say, “Take me back to the doctors. I’m done.” Yet, the doctors won’t do anything for me at this point. Still waiting for the thyroid to stop working and it’s been almost a year since the first Doc aid to “Give it a month and we’ll do something about it”. Insane? Sure… It goes against a lot within me to wait for a part of me to stop working. I kinda like everything to keep working as a matter of fact.  I’m in the business of helping things. Not waiting for things to break down.

And it’s sad that this is normal for me. That this is essentially the hidden part of me. Well, unless you have access to the blog or you really know me well. It’s coming up on a year since my diagnosis became official. And I’m still riding the rollercoaster… Still driving the bus. God, there are days when I want to get off and be done with it all. There are days when I want to scream at people and pound my fists on any near flat surface. But I hold most of it in. Some have witnessed the crazy that is Hashimoto’s in a hyper phase. My anxiety is directly related to my disease and due to the large level of hormones being cranked out, I can have these strange emotional reactions that are sometimes so inappropriate. I don’t apologize though which is funny considering that I am the only one that really knows what is going on within and where it’s all coming from.  The thing that I wonder (worry) about the most though is the fact that in my line of work, the stress hormones just poor out of me. In any given minute, I am dealing with crisis and that in turn gets my already hyper drive system into double hyper drive. How long can I keep that up without breaking? How long before the system calls it quits on me? Not to mention that when my personal life goes to crap as well, I seem to feel it ten times worse. I drop twice the weight without even blinking and my mind is just a jumbled mess of ADD disjointedness. I think to myself, my god, how can people stand me? Seriously, I feel awful a majority of the time and I don’t’ know if I am coming or going… People somehow find this entertaining. And well, most have seen the fact that I really only lose weight. When I do gain weight, I usually just loose it within a matter of days. That’s the part I really don’t mind so much. I wear my disease well as a size 0 at almost 40. This I don’t mind although it’s probably super bad for my already super bad health. And I use to be such a healthy individual. Now I look healthy… I just hide the darkness very well.