A Departure... A New Beginning

            There’s a journey that starts for each of us usually at birth. We only seem to become aware of the different paths when we are sometimes in crisis. Occasionally, we become aware of our journey when inspiration strikes and you literally see all the pieces begin to fall into place. It seems that I have come into just such a time in my life. It’s never been about the destination or the amount of “stuff” I can accumulate. It’s never been about the people who have come and gone in my life. Although they have played a large part in this journey and recently I credit several awakenings to those that have come and gone. It has always been about me… Finding who I am. And what I have embarked on is truly amazing and scary and freeing. At almost thirty nine, I am finally figuring out who I am and what I am capable of. My story is just now being written.

So, today I began to peel away the layers to find the beginning of this amazing leg of my life. At first I thought it was recently when one particular water bearer pushed me to the very edge of my comfort zone and over with regard to what I am capable of in my life. That was not the case however, it certainly was part of the bigger picture. Then I thought that it was the new career path that I began walking on. Certainly part of it all again but not the beginning. Of course, there was the revelation of my early start down the path of Thyroid disease. While I wish I had not turned down this path so early, I have. And again, this is not the beginning either. Nor was it striking out on my own after eight years of being a duo. It sounds funny but I believe that the very catalyst of this particular leg of my journey began with a Yankee Swap gift at Christmas time 2008 and thus contains all those other moments that I spoke of. That gift was a guide to hiking trails and mountains in New Hampshire. Yes, I fought the Yankee Swap process to keep this book. I had a feeling that it would somehow play a part in my future journey.  And now, here it is…. I’ve only just begun and yet I am already too far in to turn back.

And now, today, I realized that receiving that book back in 2008 and thinking to myself that "I’ll be able to do a lot of hiking through this" and how much I’ve wanted to hike around New Hampshire means a whole lot more to me. Given the experiences that have lead up to this very realization. It’s been a journey fraught with ups and downs of magnificent proportion. Learning how to live again singular as opposed to a duo was hard enough. Learning how to manage a household on my own and then manage it with a disease that has the potential to wipe out my very energy stores that keep me going was another obstacle to climb over. I would get down. Seriously down and… Almost give up... Everything. But something would pick me up. Something kept me going. Something said to me, "Find another way. Make a change. You can do this". It wasn’t anything but my own inner voice. Bringing all this under control was difficult for me at best. Reinventing the self is never easy and I am still in process. Last year, it seemed I was confined to the house and the couch. Or I was just sticking around the local area as I began getting use to this new body I was now living in as I began bringing this disease under control. Summer came and went without as much as a walk in the woods. Winter set in and I began my hibernation. As the sun came back out, I told myself that I would not have another summer like last summer (the summer that wasn't). It was time. And I was going to do this with or without someone by my side. While many have promised to join me, that trail partner has yet to come. Still, something had awakened within me and I could not let it rest. Yes, it was time for me to figure out who I was.

As the summer approached, I began to really put all the pieces of this leg of the journey together. There are actually two areas that I am most drawn to; The Ocean and the Mountains. This I have always known but kept it silent at times. Talk about two extremes… A brief word on the beloved ocean, I am planning on learning to surf in the next summer season while immersing myself in the world during the off season.  I have always wanted to do this and when this desire was reawakened recently, I have never let it rest since then. I can remember distinctly sitting on my beach at home  growing up and knowing that I would surf someday. Next summer, for sure.

And then then there is the hiking. It all began with a thought to hike some state parks to clear my head and get in touch with myself. Of course this was brought on by some significant events (mini explosions) in my life that once again caused me to reevaluate exactly who I was, where I came from, where I was going, and what I was doing. Not that I was rewriting my story. More like my story was just coming to light… Finally. During these hikes, I seemed to talk myself through some pretty amazing things and continue to realize who I am and what I am capable of. I have this ongoing conversation with something greater than myself that seems to now move me on to this journey of self-discovery. It has taken me a lot of darkness to get to the light. To continue to overcome obstacle after heart ache after obstacle, I am well on my way to something pretty amazing and I never want it to end.

I’ve been given this chance to share my story… This much I will always believe: All events have a greater significance if we make the connections between them. They make up the greater journey of life that has many trails and climbs. This much I know about myself and about my journey; That I love the outdoors (I always have) and I’m (currently) a solo hiker with the dream to climb 67 4,000+ft mountains in New England and to find myself along the way. Nothing can stop me except myself and the limitations that I place on me. And after all, a journey takes a life time… So, off I go...

Longevity

          It’s important to remember that everything and everyone you come in contact with is your teacher and you also have something to offer those that you come in contact with. Situations in life, concepts, and people are all interconnected and there is a reason for everything. This much I have always known as true and I have lived by this. For the past year however, I have been angry at my situations and concepts. I have been bitter because I have a disease that there is no cure for. I have been upset that my whole life had to change right down to the diet that I eat. When I would talk about these things, my words would always seem to be edged with disappointment, exhaustion, and sadness. I was now… Different. Even though I look no different than anyone else.

It took someone stopping in my life so briefly for me to realize just how much I was denying myself. It took someone not really caring about my disease for me to realize that I was the one drawing attention to it. And that I was the one letting the disease control me. Last summer, my basic mentality was that I could not do much because well, I’m sick. After all, when someone is sick, they often can’t exert themselves and do things that others can do. A pretty narrow view; I know, however, this was the difficult state I found myself in. And it was supported by some of the people around me because again, the disease was controlling me rather than me controlling the disease and incorporating it into my life.

Let me be clear…. I am a year and almost three months into a lifelong diagnosis of Hashimoto’s Disease. It will continue to develop and evolve as I evolve. This disease will not however have as much control over me as it has had in the past. I am no longer satisfied with sitting on the couch and squandering away the hours. I am for once living my life and not waiting for anything or anyone. Each night, I jog a trail which equals about three miles from my house to my stopping point round trip. Each Saturday during the summer and probably into the fall, I am hiking a state park trail just for variety and sometimes after I am done hiking, I will jog the trail just to book end the day. I have a goal of hiking to the top of Mt. Monadnock before the season is over and again, i will do it with or wiothout someone next to me. And just to relax, I head to one of my second homes; the beach. It is here that I feel the most peace and I can reconnect with myself. I would ultimately like to see myself get up on a surfboard before the summer season is over.

To be fair, I am still cognizant of my symptoms and my health. I never push myself beyond what I can do. I will however take myself right up to the edge to look over and admire the view. I will not settle for just sitting around and being stuck in my disease. I believe in challenging myself and in stretching my ability to function. And when I need to, I know when it’s time to be quiet and lay low. I am thankful that it has not happened too much this summer. I am also still living medication free and I don’t plan on taking much beyond my vitamin supplements any time soon. I believe my secret to longevity is the right combination of exercise, gluten free and organic diet, and a certain amount of mental grounding. The mental grounding was simply the last piece I needed to be in place. It has taken me a long time to get it and again, it took someone just stopping long enough in my life to teach me as well as the help of a very qualified professional to get me to resolve some pretty difficult states of mind. It is an ongoing exercise for me and I have incorporated it into my hikes where I have finally realized that everything has lead me to this particular point in my life. The hikes themselves have become a kind of walking meditation and a conversation with something higher than myself. And there was a reason for me getting sick as well as for the past year that I have squandered. I am only regretful that I did not realize it sooner. Then again, there is a reason that the timing is like this. To prepare me for what is to happen next.

So, I want to teach people that you can live with this disease and feel good. It doesn’t have to be a disease that locks you away and keeps you from enjoying life. You have to want it though. And that might mean that you have to stop looking up every symptom that you have. If you keep looking, of course you are going to find that you are sick which will make you feel worse and then you won’t be living. The disease will be living for you. If you resolve to incorporate the disease within your day, you’ll find that you can do a lot more. Fight it with changes in lifestyle and changes in diet. Eliminate chemicals and other unhealthy toxins in your life. You’ll be pleasantly surprised at how good you feel. And this would include toxic states of mind. Be the person that you want to be. Not the sick person you appear to be. In therapy, I hear people tell me that they are Bipolar. I correct them and tell them that they have bipolar but they are actually, let's say "Bob". Maybe the same can be said of Hashimoto’s and other incurable autoimmune disease. After all, I have Hashimoto’s but my name is Rachel and I live like everyone else does.

Longevity hangs on my wall as a reminder that I have a long life ahead of me… And I am not going to let much stop me or keep me down.   

A Year in the Life of My Dying Thyroid.....

             I’ve been humbled over the past year…  I’ve always considered myself to be a humble (well, with moments, OK… stretches of time where I’m a little bit of an egoist.) person. This blog is just a snap shot of a year in my life. I am sure that I have left a few things out here and there. I was humbled this time around by an illness that gave me a crazy year of perspectives and well, humbling moments. A year ago (4/14/10), I was given the diagnosis of Hashimoto’s Disease. There is no cure and as it progresses, it get's worse before treatment is even applied. There is only management until that point and that in itself can be humbling considering the wide variety of symptoms that can occur. It resonates with me though daily… There is no cure. That does not sit well in my brain. I have no concept of something not getting better. Especially something that is not getting better... In me. Oh, it’s not going to kill me and most would think that it's no big deal (mostly because they cannot put themselves in my shoes).  It’s just making life uncomfortable sometimes and that, is the humbling part. There are times when it’s REALLY uncomfortable and I just have to keep moving even if I feel like I just can't keep moving anymore. I can’t believe sometimes that I’ve been living with this for a year. And in actuality, I've been living with this to some degree for a lot longer than a year... The doctors only "caught it" a year ago.

When I began this journey, I was wrapped in a whirlwind of tests and wonder since no one could really put all my symptoms together: shaking hands, coordination issues, dizziness, pressure in my head, racing heartbeat, cold and hot flashes, vision problems, memory issues, speach problems, and on and on and on... I did a month of cancer testing  and that is a month I’ll never get back. Oh, it wasn’t much for me to do considering it was just my blood and fluids the people at the lab wanted. It WAS just the feeling looming over my head that I was being tested for some very hard to find adrenal and endocrine tumors. And let's not forget my favorite Neuroblastoma. I also had to be tied to a heart monitor for a month to see how the ticker was actually functioning. I tell ya, you have not lived until you’ve been lying on the couch and watch the monitor show your heart rate climb to 400bpm then crash to around 70bpm in seconds (talk about perspective). For the record, my heart is STILL doing this little trick occasionally (though you'll never know it unless you are with me) and it tires me out almost instantly. If you think of it, when I said that I fell asleep at like 6pm, that's usually why. Oh, and I’ve also seen my heart in real time on ultrasound… Like a train wreck, I had to watch it completely facinated. And all the while I am thinking that I should not see this much of me internally; mostly because I’ve seen an ultrasound of my Thyroid at this point as well. Trust me when I say, it’s disintegrating… Slowly. Anyway, I made it through the cancer testing unscathed and cancer free at least. Life changed for me the moment I was finally given a diagnosis and it’s taken me almost a year to get things under some kind of control. Mostly because the doctors said I'd be stabilized and on medication in a month... Well, it's been a year and still... Nothing but a bunch of symptoms. But, I know what it is now, at least.

I learned a lot in a year’s time. I think first and foremost, I learned who can stand with me and who is just going to fall away or hang out on the periphery of my life. Being “sick”, made me intolerant of a lot of old baggage I was carrying since stress tends to make me feel worse. Suddenly, trying to cling to things that were out dated seemed silly and frivolous. Why waste all that time on people and things that weren’t going to be there when you needed them most? It hurt sometimes. More than I expected. Still, I didn’t (and still don’t ) have the energy to spare on literally forcing a square peg in a round hole. I’ve always said that I’m not going to work harder and I don’t expect anyone else to work harder. I just never expected to see some not work at all. And even still, as I look back on the year, I am so thankful for those that are still with me and a few new people that have joined me along the way. Without good people in my life, I am sure that I would be a lot sicker than I am. People help keep my stress level down (as well as occasionally drive it up. Let's be real here OK). Those that I can talk to about things happening to me. Those that are good in my life, I want them to stick around. I can't make them stick around though. Everyone makes their own decisions based on what ever reasoning they have. And again, I’m not going to work harder so, I have no problem with letting people go. Except that it hurts on several levels and while I feel saddened by this, all I can do is move on.

You see, life with an autoimmune disease, is just that… LIFE. I wake up each day and go to work and come home. No problem. Or at least no problem that the outside world can see. I'm not going to complain about every little thing that hurts me or makes me feel "off". I'll talk about it, but I am far from complaining. When I do talk about things, I just want to be heard. I don't need to be fixed... Apparently, I can't be fixed yet anyway. I just want someone to listen. In this years’ time, I have learned how to live again. To manage my highs and my lows on my own. After all, I’m ultimately the one that has to live with this. Everyone else is on the periphery. They can't stop it. they can't give me back my sense of smell. They can't take the pain away. they certainly can't slow my heart down when it races. What they can do is be there to listen when I need them. they can check on me when I'm quiet (a sign I am sick). And most importantly just be the friends that I need in my life. Uncomplicated. Drama free. You see, I spent a number of months seeking out answers and seeking out treatment. Subsequently, my answer seeking lead to more questions and my treatment, well that kept getting denied. Every couple of month, my symptoms would rear their ugly heads in a big way and I would run back to the doctor or the lab for more tests and more… DISAPPOINTMENT. Denial of treatment to me was equated with denial of feeling better. Each time I went back to the doctor, I was given the same speech. That it was all in my head. That it was anxiety (it was anxiety… Anxiety of not getting a straight answer). That my symptoms were normal part of aging and that I’d need to learn to live with them. That while I have Hashimoto's, my "numbers" are not in range of treatment even though I have horrible symptoms. I’d say it was not until after the first of the year (2011) that I finally woke up. I could remember struggling to make sense of a lot of things happening in my life. Cognitively, I was a mess and just trying to express myself as well as keep myself on an even keel. I can remember driving through Keene NH and finally realizing that I was chasing after something that would tie me to a pill for the rest of my life. I’d actually been doing fine on the gluten free diet, and supplementing with vitamins. Why the HELL was I chasing a synthetic medication when I was living rather organically? I cried a lot that day as well as on a lot of other days in this past year because I realized what a complete and utter basket case I had become. I had let the disease control me instead of me controlling the disease. Subsequently, I destroyed a lot of relationships with this mentality. Within a few days, I canceled my remaining doctor’s appointment. I was done with doctors. I became determined to manage this disease on my own. Until I can’t manage it anymore. Until that day, there is no point in my seeking out treatment. I’m already treating myself with natural solutions. Diet and exercise have a lot to do with the course of this disease. So, now I try and eat healthy as well as live healthy. This would include mentally and physically and some days are harder than others still.

What I have learned in the past year is that gluten is the enemy of my Thyroid. It’s the gluten molecules that mimic the thyroid and trigger the attacks. Those attacks sometimes result in debilitating pain in my joints and my very fast heart rate among other symptoms. The joint issues are mostly because Hashimoto’s is an inflammatory disease and when my joints swell, I can’t move around easily and the pain clouds my thoughts and vision. And when my Thyroid acts up, it speeds up my heart and respiratory rate since the overabundance of hormones seem to dictate those systems. So, I cut it out and while the attacks have not completely gone, they have lessened to a degree. Remember as the Thyroid dies it sometimes lets out a tremendous amount of hormone on it's own inspite of a gluten free diet. as well effecting the same things as the gluten. This also means that my Thyroid is ceasing to work and I am becoming slower or hypothyroid. I’m not looking forward to this as it seems to be a struggle to stay active and when the heart and the respritory rate slow, it will be a different sessation to get use too as well as some discomfort again. Right now, I have the pleasure of being primarily Hyperthyroid with a few days here and there of being hypothyroid. (lucky me, I can flip flop!) Although I know that the change is slowly happening. Again, this past year has taught me to really pay attention to how I am functioning on many different levels. I’ve never been more in tune with myself.

So, here’s the very not humbled part of me. Here’s the very tute my own horn and shout “Hell yeah, even with a disease, I can do this!”. You see, I live by myself and manage my life on my own rather nicely. Mix in a year of ups and downs with an autoimmune disease to get through and you too would be a little more confident. A little more forthright. A little more go after what you want. My disease for the better part of this year since my diagnosis has changed me for the better too. It’s opened my eyes to a new way of thinking and taking roads less traveled to see if I can. And just the other day, I had an “F you Hashimoto’s moment”.  I went out to enjoy the sunshine and went for a hike.  My body was egging me on to take a jog and I listened. I had not jogged since well before my diagnosis and it felt dam good. It felt like I had bested something within me. It felt like for a moment, I didn't have a disease. I was proud of myself for once again doing something that I thought I could not do anymore. I have Hashimoto’s Disease. It does not have me.

If you are reading this and don’t get it, that’s OK. If you are reading this and jumping to your own conclusions without asking questions, shame on you. All you need to do is ask questions to understand and gain clarity. I learned this much in my life. It’s been a year of understanding myself and how I can function in this world with this ‘thing’. Many have under estimated me and I have occasionally over estimated myself. At least I can say I’ve tried and I’ve learned in a year how to live with Hashimoto’s disease instead of letting it run my life. I never wanted to be that girl that went from doctor to doctor. I almost became that person. So glad I stopped and came to my sense. If you are reading this and saying to yourself, ‘Way to go. Way to come to an understanding and way to live’, thanks. The journey is just beginning with other battles to be fought as this disease progresses and gets tougher. Stick by and watch what happens (won't you?). After all, most battles are not fought alone.

Karmic Bitch Slap Into Enlightenment...

I had the pleasure of experiencing a sort of karmic bitch slap this weekend. Something that caused me to apologize to someone out loud and very loudly. That person didn’t hear me of course. I just sent it out to the universe as a token of appreciation for the bitch slap received. A funny thing happens when you are faced with yourself and your actions as if you are looking in a mirror. It’s called enlightenment and from that, you hope to not only learn something, you hope to teach something too. Maybe even correct something that still pokes at you every now and again.
I don’t even have to go into great detail of the situation. What I can say that I learned a great deal about how we relate to one another and how the needs of one can be so selfish when they don’t consider the other. I learned what it felt like to be that other person dealing with me and I’m a little more than mortified at my past actions of self-absorption (never before have I acted like that. Now, I am finding myself on the other side and craving the self-discovery of “me alone time”. Especially when it comes to the job that I do.
I have this unbelievable job and while I’d like every session to be neat and tidy and within the confines of a fifty minute hour, it does not always happen. My problem with that is that sometimes I am faced with a tough one whose parents are freaking out and a kid that is acting a little bit more… How can I put this…? Hmmm… Sociopathic than usual? These are the ones that extend into your Friday night plans and can wreak havoc on your thoughts for the weekend because these sessions happen usually after 5pm and it's not like you can put them on hold. They have to play out and that other person in your personal life needs to understand that…On a Friday, sometimes work runs well past 5pm. These are the families that make me appreciate the transition time that I usually set up for myself. The transition time that I use to right my thoughts and actions so that I am a little less crazed and a little more understanding when my peronal life meets up with me again. The transition time that is vital between my job and my life if any relationship is going to work. It’s more than a commute time too. What you need to understand is that it is these families that make me swear like a truck driver, talk irrationally and quickly, and sometimes want to go a few rounds kick boxing to get the energy out (or just sing a lot and LOUDLY). Anything really to just get the adrenaline under control because I just spent 2 plus hours trying to rationalize with the irrational. It’s usually no more than an hour that I need tops and when I don’t get it, I now know how badly I need it (possibly crave it). My whole night is shot and I’m not fun to be around any more since I am still focused on the work I could not let go of and I’m a little annoyed at whoever intruded on my transition time. Doesn’t matter who it is really. When I say I’ll text you when I am done, it means stay put and I’ll text you when I am done. Not wait for me in my drive way. Sorry, went a little personal there… But it had to be said. My point is, respect me enough to know that I hate surprises directly after work…. It usually ends badly. And understand me enough to know that when I am not texting you back, it usually means I’m pretty involved in some intense shit at work. Stay put and I’ll get to you when I am done. OK, ok, I’m done…. But the serious point is that an understanding needs to happen in communication. Impulsivity in my life can be deadly...
Anyway, what I’m talking about is my mirror image here. Me, looking at myself from the shoes of another person. I had said that I needed time to myself. I didn’t say that I needed time to get text after text (since I’m ignoring them at this point) followed by a phone call… If I didn’t answer the texting, what makes you think I’m going to talk on the phone. I only use these personal facts to illustrate my own actions in the past that I am now faced with. For I was once that person I am now faced with. So, you see this is less about my weekend and more about me. My goodness, I was annoying… When faced with myself, I realize that that I had no self-respect for the relationship. It’s moments like this that have made me apologize over and over in my head and out loud because for the better part of the weekend, I have been walking in someone else’s shoes. The freaked out thing is that I know that someone unknowingly is walking in my shoes (hopefully not the 4 inch heels). He’s even uttered a few things that I have been known to utter in the past.  Crazy right? Like looking in a freakin’ mirror, I tell you. Something wants me to pay attention really badly. A nice karmic bitch slap has really gotten my attention to not only relationships but the basic rhythm of life. I am listening and I will learn and grow from this...
Relationships are tricky things… Trust me; I work in a business that is based on relationships in many forms. The most important is the relationship you have with yourself. Once you get a firm understanding of yourself, you can then branch out to others… I think that this weekend came just a little too late for someone though…. But I do believe the universe has something else planned for me...

Life at 5's and 9's....

Life is basically good these days... Just saying that sometimes you need to dig a little deeper... 

Today is one of those days when the pain is at a nine and the fog in my brain is not lifting much higher than the fog that is outside generated by the melting snow and rain that seems to be falling. I’m happy about the melting snow part since I am clearly not a winter soul (Go figure I settled in New Hampshire). The rest of it though, not so much. Although, you’d never know it just by looking at me. I know, I know, you’ve heard me say it before. I hide it well or I ignore and compartmentalize things that are happening so that I can get through the day (A standard truth that I will say over and over again). Wonder when I let it out? Usually at night… Usually alone. It works for me and the people I keep in my life. No sense in complicating an already complicated life and lifestyle. However, if anyone wants to lend an ear, I’d gladly take them up on it… A lap to crawl into is good too although sometimes I just need to curl into a ball and make myself really really small. And then there is a moment when I reach the end of that darkness… The sun comes out and I just know that everything is going to be alright. I like these moments and have experienced this phenomenon recently. Of course, it might not go as I had hoped originally. It might not even resemble the vision I had in my mind to begin with. But, there is a moment when all is quiet and everything… Just seems… Normal? And what is normal? Really?

For me, normal is when the music sounds sweet again. When the sun feels warm and I can breathe easy again. When situations just seem to be clicking together and while the pain remains at a minimum of a 5, I’m doing OK. It’s so peaceful in my life that it just feels good and calm. After all, this is about my crazy thyroid right now. What did you think it was about? See, the thyroid sets the metabolic rate and essentially rules over my entire life… My metabolic rate has unfortunately, been in over drive which sets ALL MY ORGANS into overdrive and for a number of years to boot. The rate I burn food and oxygen is twice the rate of what I would consider “normal” people. Although I still count myself as normal… And by normal (excluding me) I mean non-thyroid issue sufferers. Can you even begin to imagine what overdrive feels like? Go ahead, stop reading and try to picture it and feel it… Got it? And that is normal to me. Sad. It feels like I can’t catch up sometimes and when I do,  something inevitably pushes my systems back into overdrive. Why do I live like this? Because it’s the only normal I know. It’s how I have been feeling for years and it’s how I feel best (maybe…). Honestly, it works for me… Most of the time. Once you understand this part of me, you probably kind of get why I refuse to let the small stuff affect me. Why I refuse to let myself lie down and die over the little pit falls and road blocks of my life. Why I am so driven to find better ways of doing things and relating to the world around me. My point is that I live my life at a constant  5 through about a 9 and I am accustomed to basically throwing myself out of bed in the morning since I’m most stiff and sore then. I have enough on my plate that is HUGE and to be derailed by some little stuff just seems absurd to me. So I push myself to jus keep going and recover from anything tossed at me. Some think it’s cold. I know it’s just living. Oh, trust me, if it got to a 10 or beyond I’d be the first to say, “Take me back to the doctors. I’m done.” Yet, the doctors won’t do anything for me at this point. Still waiting for the thyroid to stop working and it’s been almost a year since the first Doc aid to “Give it a month and we’ll do something about it”. Insane? Sure… It goes against a lot within me to wait for a part of me to stop working. I kinda like everything to keep working as a matter of fact.  I’m in the business of helping things. Not waiting for things to break down.

And it’s sad that this is normal for me. That this is essentially the hidden part of me. Well, unless you have access to the blog or you really know me well. It’s coming up on a year since my diagnosis became official. And I’m still riding the rollercoaster… Still driving the bus. God, there are days when I want to get off and be done with it all. There are days when I want to scream at people and pound my fists on any near flat surface. But I hold most of it in. Some have witnessed the crazy that is Hashimoto’s in a hyper phase. My anxiety is directly related to my disease and due to the large level of hormones being cranked out, I can have these strange emotional reactions that are sometimes so inappropriate. I don’t apologize though which is funny considering that I am the only one that really knows what is going on within and where it’s all coming from.  The thing that I wonder (worry) about the most though is the fact that in my line of work, the stress hormones just poor out of me. In any given minute, I am dealing with crisis and that in turn gets my already hyper drive system into double hyper drive. How long can I keep that up without breaking? How long before the system calls it quits on me? Not to mention that when my personal life goes to crap as well, I seem to feel it ten times worse. I drop twice the weight without even blinking and my mind is just a jumbled mess of ADD disjointedness. I think to myself, my god, how can people stand me? Seriously, I feel awful a majority of the time and I don’t’ know if I am coming or going… People somehow find this entertaining. And well, most have seen the fact that I really only lose weight. When I do gain weight, I usually just loose it within a matter of days. That’s the part I really don’t mind so much. I wear my disease well as a size 0 at almost 40. This I don’t mind although it’s probably super bad for my already super bad health. And I use to be such a healthy individual. Now I look healthy… I just hide the darkness very well.

The Ever Present Now...

I woke up this morning and… Every joint in my body was screaming and stiff. One would have thought that I had spent the night typing the Great American Novel by the way my fingers were no longer working for me. I was in pain and it seemed that I had to hurl myself out of bed. Or at least my legs over the side of the bed to get myself upright… Ahh, the burden. Not to mention the vertigo and the nausea for some reason added in for fun these days. Anyway, this is not really a blog about my aches and pains or sickness. Although they are always there and on this morning seemed to play a larger than life role, this blog is more about my responding to a crisis than my aches and pains. Never mind the fact that my head feels like it’s being squeezed in a vice grip… Yep, the pressure has been up in the old noggin again. And, no I have no plans of going back to the Doc. Did I digress again? Wait for it, this will all tie in together in the end… I hope. ;)

Oh yeah, working… I figured that with all these aches and pains with me for the day, I’ll get in some quiet time at the office and get some paperwork done for some court cases I have coming up. I had no kids on the books until three o’clock anyway. I did also sleep late as well since the aches and pains started last night. As I remember, when I went to sleep, I could not get comfortable and I had planned an easy day at that exact point. So, I get into my office and go about my business of the god awful paperwork that we never seem to see the end of.  Ok, let me state for the record right now… I have no clue where this one is going. My mind is a little like scrambled egg after today. Which is so common after a day in my life.

Just before lunch time, the texts start coming in that a kid is acting out in school and on his way to a major melt down. In goes the first deep breath… And out… Let’s see what happens. He was after all just in court yesterday and the Judge told him he was a breath away from long term placement. Let’s see if he can pull his act together and his head out of his you know what.  In goes the second deep breath… The computer gets shut down…. Out again. I’m on my way before I can even blink. Suddenly, I have all the time in the world. The music is up in the car and I’m on my way to meet him at his house since in the time it took me to pack up my office work, he’s been kicked out of school. And I’m thinking of a game plan… Inhale… Exhale… Slow it all down and drive. I’m thinking to myself that I’d really like to not get hit today. Since that is the thought that always comes to mind. The object of my job is to help these kids de-escalate. Not build to the point that I’m getting punched. Although, my days of not getting hit are numbered, it’s gonna happen eventually. I am also thinking that I have no clue what I will walk into at the house. Inhale… Exhale… Slow it all down again. Half way there, I become aware again that my hands are throbbing… Acknowledgement and reminder that I have no time for this right now. Confronting the kid that I am removing from the home with the presence of a police officer doesn’t even help. The swearing, the name calling, the threats… Inhale… Exhale… Don’t take it personal. I’m suddenly hurled into the ever present now and there is no pain. There is no other thought of issue beyond the immediate crisis, of de-escalation, and removal.  I’m amazed at the amount of attention I can divert to the situation. The blinders come on and all I am is standing in the present with a very angry kid. I’m not yelling as he is. I speak very low and even. I’m not accusing as he is. I’m listening and assessing and supporting him. I’m not even distracted by the pain or whatever personal issue I have going on. Let alone the fact that I’ve been drinking coffee all morning and I really have to pee.  I’m the one that is always running TO the crisis… Never running away. It’s my life. I’m a crisis worker.  And all along I have my baggage and my disease to balance. It’s all in how you slow it all down and clear it all out for the time being… It’ll be back. You have to deal with the ever present now and if that now is an angry kid. You gotta stay focused. Everything else can... Just... Wait.

My point is that I have often spoken about my love of crisis work. I truly and honestly cannot do anything else. I’m not an office worker. I’m an in the moment and whatever is thrown at me worker. I trained for this. I asked for it. This morning, I had a feeling. That feeling was one that I did not want to go to work today. I just wanted to stay in bed and cry since I was in pain… Again. After all, the night before I had done just that. No apology here and I don't need to be felt pity for. I have these moemnts of weakness that I need to just feel bad. I had a plan to my day and of course, in one cleansing exhale, I let it all go. Gave up the control to the crisis at hand… Dealt with it safely and fairly with consideration to all possible aspects.  I would not have had my day any other way. The energy generated is electrifying and I get a kind of smile on my face as I am working through a plan. I can feel everything clicking together and my intuition is almost always right. I believe when it’s not, that will be the day that I get hit with something or by someone. It takes an incredible amount of concentration to do the work that I do. I didn’t think this morning that I could do it at all today. I had a feeling that something was going to go down today… And when the calls rolled in, I focused on the ever present now and pushed out the pain. There is no other feling like this.

On the way home from meeting the transport for the angry kid, my hands started throbbing again and I was suddenly aware that I still had to pee. That was about 6 hours after I acknowledged the pain last. The music was low and I was quiet. Most know that when I am really quiet, it means that I am not feeling well physically or mentally.  I try and flex my hands and it… Just… Hurts. The odd thing is that I am still smiling. Life has gone full circle and I am back to where I was in the morning. Only difference is that I am in my car driving home after al full day’s work. Thank goodness not every day is like this. I don’t think I could keep that up. My body right now, as I try and type this is very tired and I need time to recover myself. So, I have a quiet night to myself and I nurse my aches and pains. I also smile because I helped a kid by talking him through some pretty intense anger.

It takes a pretty special person to do the work that I do. I consider myself only slightly left of center and pretty grounded most of the time. I have some added bonus’ to my life that will always throw a challenge or two my way. I would not have it any other way. This is my calling. I only hope that those that read this find theirs too. There is something to be said about being sure of at least one direction your life is taking.

In praise of WTF and... Zombies.

I cannot stress this enough... I'm just processing through some really funny though slightly inappropriate thoughts to something that happened to me. Anyone that knows me (well or otherwise) should understand that this is how I deal with things... I laugh at situations and myself in the process. I'm in therapy and even she says it's healthy so, don't judge. Just laugh at my randomness. It's not my intension to be mean or to piss anyone off. I'm certainly not trying to diss anyone either. These are simply my thoughts from a rant I went on and it IS only my intension to heal myself a little and this is how I do it. I process... I blog.

Somewhere between yesterday and now, I got a serious case of the WTF’s? And now sometime between then and well, tomorrow, I started laughing and pretty much can’t stop. This is stupid. In the history of stupid, this takes the stupid cake. No wait, I think my ex who wanted to stay living at home with his mother while I was buying my own home still takes the stupid cake. But this is just…. Dumb. If for no other reason than we had not even begun yet. The good parts were just in reach and now… WTF?

And I don’t want to be petty. I don’t even really want to write too much about it. Mostly for fear that I’ll really F up something that I already F’ed up in the first place. But it’s on my mind and it’s just… WTF? Really? I have the career from hell sometimes and believe me, while I love it, it’s truly a spawn of Satan. Considering that I never know what I’ll get when I go into the office or a kids home, it’s gotta be up there in danger work and I don't get hazard pay. And talk about a total mind f… (Yeah, I’m trying to censor. There may be a lot of those in this one. ) My career, that I willingly chose blows my f'ing mind sometimes. And I love it. I thrive on it. Ok, I may just be a little crazy myself but really… I love my work and I am happy with my success. But at the end of the day, I want to die from it sometimes because my body is so tired and I’m so brain dead. AND top that with a healthy dose of… I’ve got myself a nifty Thyroid Disease with no F'ing cure and lots of dietary restrictions that while, some are yummy, drive me fricken nuts.

… OK, I willingly walked away from all my Docs and really have no plans to go back except for my yearly visit to the vamps in the lab. So, I am doing the diet thing to myself. But in the scheme of things and in the case of feeling at about 80% on my bestest of days, I’ll take it. Sure would love to feel 100% but maybe that will come back in time. And still as this F'ing thing progresses, I’m going to get sicker. It gets worse before it gets better. Try moving through life like that. OK, that was harsh… I do move through life though. I just don’t let it get to me too much (in public). And still, I’m alone with an unf’ing believable career and a disease in a house that I take care of all on my own. How am I not dead yet? How am I not completely F’ing exhausted? How am I DOING all this stuff?

My point is that there is a lot that I carry with me throughout the day. I have all the families that I work with and my own schtuff on my shoulders (personal life, family, my own private thoughts and my health). How am I still walking? How did I not end up in a private padded room with one of those jackets that make you hug yourself? What makes me so F’ing different that I’m surviving all this crap? Not to mention a past that is wrought with both good and bad situations and decisions. Those that basically formed who I am today. Not to mention the almost untimly end back in 2000. I’ll tell you what it is… Resiliency. The stuff that when the Zombies take over New Hampshire and the rest of the free world, will let me survive just a little while longer than most. That’s right, I’m nothing but F'ing resilient. And I’ll keep going. Probably won’t out live the F'ing cockroaches though.

At the end of this day, I’m on those dating sites. OK, just one because I REFUSE to pay for a computer to find me a guy. No wait, strike that, I thought I found a guy.  I can do it on my own. I thought that I did it on my own. I just apparently need a vehicle to do so since my life is so unf'ing believable sometimes. I get busy… Who doesn’t? My problem is that I thought I was done with it all. Well, none the less, I’m on and most of the guys look like… Well…. Yeah, I can’t really say anything nice here so I’ll hold my tongue. And there I am, looking at them looking at me. The thing I’m thinking is “I’m so out of your league”…. “Move on” and a few “Oh God NO!” ‘s. Maybe there is someone out there... Guess I'll have to wait and see.

I was told that I would know him when I see him and that it would be a relationship like no other I have experienced… It’s going to be a lot of work to get back to center after what just happened. And even as I type this out, I know that I am Fing around with karma. Ever so slightly, I can really piss off something and where will I be? Alone forever laughing at the crazy guys on the dating site because my life gets so busy I need a “friend” to find me a date. So, it’s not my intension to piss anyone off with this. It’s just my intension to process through this WTF moment that I have happened into. It just makes no sense to me. It’s senseless the way that I lost another good friend. Without warning and without explaination It gets easier and I am sure that I’ll know which end is up soon. But for now, it still feels unfinished. I feel unfinished.