The Ever Present Now...

I woke up this morning and… Every joint in my body was screaming and stiff. One would have thought that I had spent the night typing the Great American Novel by the way my fingers were no longer working for me. I was in pain and it seemed that I had to hurl myself out of bed. Or at least my legs over the side of the bed to get myself upright… Ahh, the burden. Not to mention the vertigo and the nausea for some reason added in for fun these days. Anyway, this is not really a blog about my aches and pains or sickness. Although they are always there and on this morning seemed to play a larger than life role, this blog is more about my responding to a crisis than my aches and pains. Never mind the fact that my head feels like it’s being squeezed in a vice grip… Yep, the pressure has been up in the old noggin again. And, no I have no plans of going back to the Doc. Did I digress again? Wait for it, this will all tie in together in the end… I hope. ;)

Oh yeah, working… I figured that with all these aches and pains with me for the day, I’ll get in some quiet time at the office and get some paperwork done for some court cases I have coming up. I had no kids on the books until three o’clock anyway. I did also sleep late as well since the aches and pains started last night. As I remember, when I went to sleep, I could not get comfortable and I had planned an easy day at that exact point. So, I get into my office and go about my business of the god awful paperwork that we never seem to see the end of.  Ok, let me state for the record right now… I have no clue where this one is going. My mind is a little like scrambled egg after today. Which is so common after a day in my life.

Just before lunch time, the texts start coming in that a kid is acting out in school and on his way to a major melt down. In goes the first deep breath… And out… Let’s see what happens. He was after all just in court yesterday and the Judge told him he was a breath away from long term placement. Let’s see if he can pull his act together and his head out of his you know what.  In goes the second deep breath… The computer gets shut down…. Out again. I’m on my way before I can even blink. Suddenly, I have all the time in the world. The music is up in the car and I’m on my way to meet him at his house since in the time it took me to pack up my office work, he’s been kicked out of school. And I’m thinking of a game plan… Inhale… Exhale… Slow it all down and drive. I’m thinking to myself that I’d really like to not get hit today. Since that is the thought that always comes to mind. The object of my job is to help these kids de-escalate. Not build to the point that I’m getting punched. Although, my days of not getting hit are numbered, it’s gonna happen eventually. I am also thinking that I have no clue what I will walk into at the house. Inhale… Exhale… Slow it all down again. Half way there, I become aware again that my hands are throbbing… Acknowledgement and reminder that I have no time for this right now. Confronting the kid that I am removing from the home with the presence of a police officer doesn’t even help. The swearing, the name calling, the threats… Inhale… Exhale… Don’t take it personal. I’m suddenly hurled into the ever present now and there is no pain. There is no other thought of issue beyond the immediate crisis, of de-escalation, and removal.  I’m amazed at the amount of attention I can divert to the situation. The blinders come on and all I am is standing in the present with a very angry kid. I’m not yelling as he is. I speak very low and even. I’m not accusing as he is. I’m listening and assessing and supporting him. I’m not even distracted by the pain or whatever personal issue I have going on. Let alone the fact that I’ve been drinking coffee all morning and I really have to pee.  I’m the one that is always running TO the crisis… Never running away. It’s my life. I’m a crisis worker.  And all along I have my baggage and my disease to balance. It’s all in how you slow it all down and clear it all out for the time being… It’ll be back. You have to deal with the ever present now and if that now is an angry kid. You gotta stay focused. Everything else can... Just... Wait.

My point is that I have often spoken about my love of crisis work. I truly and honestly cannot do anything else. I’m not an office worker. I’m an in the moment and whatever is thrown at me worker. I trained for this. I asked for it. This morning, I had a feeling. That feeling was one that I did not want to go to work today. I just wanted to stay in bed and cry since I was in pain… Again. After all, the night before I had done just that. No apology here and I don't need to be felt pity for. I have these moemnts of weakness that I need to just feel bad. I had a plan to my day and of course, in one cleansing exhale, I let it all go. Gave up the control to the crisis at hand… Dealt with it safely and fairly with consideration to all possible aspects.  I would not have had my day any other way. The energy generated is electrifying and I get a kind of smile on my face as I am working through a plan. I can feel everything clicking together and my intuition is almost always right. I believe when it’s not, that will be the day that I get hit with something or by someone. It takes an incredible amount of concentration to do the work that I do. I didn’t think this morning that I could do it at all today. I had a feeling that something was going to go down today… And when the calls rolled in, I focused on the ever present now and pushed out the pain. There is no other feling like this.

On the way home from meeting the transport for the angry kid, my hands started throbbing again and I was suddenly aware that I still had to pee. That was about 6 hours after I acknowledged the pain last. The music was low and I was quiet. Most know that when I am really quiet, it means that I am not feeling well physically or mentally.  I try and flex my hands and it… Just… Hurts. The odd thing is that I am still smiling. Life has gone full circle and I am back to where I was in the morning. Only difference is that I am in my car driving home after al full day’s work. Thank goodness not every day is like this. I don’t think I could keep that up. My body right now, as I try and type this is very tired and I need time to recover myself. So, I have a quiet night to myself and I nurse my aches and pains. I also smile because I helped a kid by talking him through some pretty intense anger.

It takes a pretty special person to do the work that I do. I consider myself only slightly left of center and pretty grounded most of the time. I have some added bonus’ to my life that will always throw a challenge or two my way. I would not have it any other way. This is my calling. I only hope that those that read this find theirs too. There is something to be said about being sure of at least one direction your life is taking.

In praise of WTF and... Zombies.

I cannot stress this enough... I'm just processing through some really funny though slightly inappropriate thoughts to something that happened to me. Anyone that knows me (well or otherwise) should understand that this is how I deal with things... I laugh at situations and myself in the process. I'm in therapy and even she says it's healthy so, don't judge. Just laugh at my randomness. It's not my intension to be mean or to piss anyone off. I'm certainly not trying to diss anyone either. These are simply my thoughts from a rant I went on and it IS only my intension to heal myself a little and this is how I do it. I process... I blog.

Somewhere between yesterday and now, I got a serious case of the WTF’s? And now sometime between then and well, tomorrow, I started laughing and pretty much can’t stop. This is stupid. In the history of stupid, this takes the stupid cake. No wait, I think my ex who wanted to stay living at home with his mother while I was buying my own home still takes the stupid cake. But this is just…. Dumb. If for no other reason than we had not even begun yet. The good parts were just in reach and now… WTF?

And I don’t want to be petty. I don’t even really want to write too much about it. Mostly for fear that I’ll really F up something that I already F’ed up in the first place. But it’s on my mind and it’s just… WTF? Really? I have the career from hell sometimes and believe me, while I love it, it’s truly a spawn of Satan. Considering that I never know what I’ll get when I go into the office or a kids home, it’s gotta be up there in danger work and I don't get hazard pay. And talk about a total mind f… (Yeah, I’m trying to censor. There may be a lot of those in this one. ) My career, that I willingly chose blows my f'ing mind sometimes. And I love it. I thrive on it. Ok, I may just be a little crazy myself but really… I love my work and I am happy with my success. But at the end of the day, I want to die from it sometimes because my body is so tired and I’m so brain dead. AND top that with a healthy dose of… I’ve got myself a nifty Thyroid Disease with no F'ing cure and lots of dietary restrictions that while, some are yummy, drive me fricken nuts.

… OK, I willingly walked away from all my Docs and really have no plans to go back except for my yearly visit to the vamps in the lab. So, I am doing the diet thing to myself. But in the scheme of things and in the case of feeling at about 80% on my bestest of days, I’ll take it. Sure would love to feel 100% but maybe that will come back in time. And still as this F'ing thing progresses, I’m going to get sicker. It gets worse before it gets better. Try moving through life like that. OK, that was harsh… I do move through life though. I just don’t let it get to me too much (in public). And still, I’m alone with an unf’ing believable career and a disease in a house that I take care of all on my own. How am I not dead yet? How am I not completely F’ing exhausted? How am I DOING all this stuff?

My point is that there is a lot that I carry with me throughout the day. I have all the families that I work with and my own schtuff on my shoulders (personal life, family, my own private thoughts and my health). How am I still walking? How did I not end up in a private padded room with one of those jackets that make you hug yourself? What makes me so F’ing different that I’m surviving all this crap? Not to mention a past that is wrought with both good and bad situations and decisions. Those that basically formed who I am today. Not to mention the almost untimly end back in 2000. I’ll tell you what it is… Resiliency. The stuff that when the Zombies take over New Hampshire and the rest of the free world, will let me survive just a little while longer than most. That’s right, I’m nothing but F'ing resilient. And I’ll keep going. Probably won’t out live the F'ing cockroaches though.

At the end of this day, I’m on those dating sites. OK, just one because I REFUSE to pay for a computer to find me a guy. No wait, strike that, I thought I found a guy.  I can do it on my own. I thought that I did it on my own. I just apparently need a vehicle to do so since my life is so unf'ing believable sometimes. I get busy… Who doesn’t? My problem is that I thought I was done with it all. Well, none the less, I’m on and most of the guys look like… Well…. Yeah, I can’t really say anything nice here so I’ll hold my tongue. And there I am, looking at them looking at me. The thing I’m thinking is “I’m so out of your league”…. “Move on” and a few “Oh God NO!” ‘s. Maybe there is someone out there... Guess I'll have to wait and see.

I was told that I would know him when I see him and that it would be a relationship like no other I have experienced… It’s going to be a lot of work to get back to center after what just happened. And even as I type this out, I know that I am Fing around with karma. Ever so slightly, I can really piss off something and where will I be? Alone forever laughing at the crazy guys on the dating site because my life gets so busy I need a “friend” to find me a date. So, it’s not my intension to piss anyone off with this. It’s just my intension to process through this WTF moment that I have happened into. It just makes no sense to me. It’s senseless the way that I lost another good friend. Without warning and without explaination It gets easier and I am sure that I’ll know which end is up soon. But for now, it still feels unfinished. I feel unfinished. 

Party Of One...

I make no apology for the honesty presented... This is me. This is what I want and how I feel.     

           There is one sobering and somber fact in my life and yet at times, it is so up lifting to me. I guess it’s the times when I really want to share a special part of my day that I really feel it somberly. Those times when I can’t wait to get home to talk about my day and…. Nothing.  I could call someone but it’s not the same sometimes. Stories are much better in person and much better in the moment. Facial expressions and body language are shared experiences that make sharing yourself that much more personal. And there are the times when I am singing and dancing around the kitchen that I want someone to join in with me and... Nothing. So, what’s the uplifting part? I’m 38 and have become a very successful person in my world. I never thought I’d get here let alone how far I have come. From a shy girl who could barely stand on her own two feet. To a strong and independent woman who owns and maintains her own home. How may can actually say they were able to do this? Not many and for that I am proud… And tired. I love the life that I have for all the success and all the hard work that I have put into it and continue to put into it. I'm not intersted in giving up... Just interested in sharingmy whole self with someone. And yet, this house is big and empty on the somber days when I am a reluctant party of one it would seem.

                I never intended it to be this way and I should say, I don’t intend on ending life this way either. And while I had plans to be two (or more) and I still have plans to be two (or more), for now I am a party of one. This is not to say that I have not tried. I’ve experienced many wonderful relationships and met some good guys. I hold no regrets for they have all taught me something. I do wonder, am I being too… Something? Too open at times. Too talkative. Not talkative enough. Not open enough. I get caught up in the excitement of the new and I literally forget that this is a marathon and not a sprint. Whenthe sprint burns out and the pace goes from lightening fast to... Nothing and stand still, my heart sinks. And then the next thing I know, I am a party of one… Again. At my age, I should be OK with this and truthfully, at times I am and I’ll fight it all the way at the same time. Of course there have been those that have cheated. More disturbing are those that have just stopped talking to me. Not for lack of trying as I had tried to keep talking to them. I get worn down and eventually stop in a really humiliating… Blaze of glory? No, more like a whimper. It’s really disconcerting when this happens and it shakes me to the core of my being. I'm confident but it does not mean that I cannot be hurt. I can compartmentalize things until I am OK again. Put people in their respective boxes and place them on my mental shelf. I hate this. But sometimes it's all I can do to get going again. Mostly because I do the old what if I… Insert action here. Of course I don’t usually do the what if I… Because I just get so tired of putting myself out there.  So, what if for a change, I pull back and wait? What if for a change, to not do the usual talkative song and dance and it garners some pretty amazing results. What if for a change, I’m no longer a party of one at the end of the unusual and uncomforatble change to my routine? I'm patient... And sensable at the same time. I'm not getting any younger and there is a clock ticking.

                Again, I bounce between the fairy tale and the modern novel. I’m a strong and independent woman. This I have told you before. I’ve also said that it will be the death of me. I love who I have become. I have a very successful career and I am really good at what I do. I'm truly an understanding, patient and flexable woman (in every sense). I can adapt and go with the flow in any relationship or situation. Once I get there and get comfortable. I don't like the games and I don't like drama. I just want to be and when it comes down to it, I would not have myself live any other way… Except for someone special to share it with. I can take care of myself and this house that I live in. Did I also mention that with the exception of student loans, my debt is miniscule and I pay it off each month? Financially solid I am. I can do a lot of things on my own. Truth is, I’ve had a lot of people tell me that they’ll help me with this or with that. No one’s really stuck around to actually do anything about it. So, I do a lot… On my own. Because I want to. Because I need to. And because I have to. No one else is going to take care of things around here for the time being, I’m a party of one that is wielding a mop or some kind of power tool and I would nto have it any other way… For the most part. Except for the fact that now I have a hard time believing when people say that they'll stick around. Since well, so many have not. So, I build up my independence to live off of instead of fall back on. And without that special person, I am just surviving. Wishing on stars, eyelashes, and 11:11 and hoping that the fairy tale comes true. I continue to put myself out there no matter how humiliating it is. One of these days, it's going to be for good.

                See, I want the fairy tale too… I want someone to cook me dinner or surprise me with my favorite purple roses for no good reason other than to see me smile. I want someone to allow me to collapse into them and just be myself. When I am sick, I want them to take care of me instead of push me away. When I am sad, I want them to hold me instead of telling me to deal with it on my own. I want someone that will text me out of the blue just to make me smile as well as call me at night and wish me sweet dreams when we are not together. I want someone that will just come over here and just be with me. I’ve had glimpses of this man and he is beautiful inside and out. I only wish that he would come back to me and scoop me up and tell me that I don’t have to do it on my own any more. That all this silly ranting is just that... Ranting. And I don't have to be on my own anymore. And I'm still waiting... Foolishly or not, the universe will act soon. KNowing what I know and what I feel, I will put the work into things. Even if that means waiting through uncomfortable silence and abandoned words. On my sickest days, this is the sobering thought: That I have to do another day on my own. That when in the dead of winter, I have to shovel myself out for the millionth storm and I just can’t do it anymore. The fairytale, for me, was never a party of one. It was a party of two (or more).