In praise of WTF and... Zombies.

I cannot stress this enough... I'm just processing through some really funny though slightly inappropriate thoughts to something that happened to me. Anyone that knows me (well or otherwise) should understand that this is how I deal with things... I laugh at situations and myself in the process. I'm in therapy and even she says it's healthy so, don't judge. Just laugh at my randomness. It's not my intension to be mean or to piss anyone off. I'm certainly not trying to diss anyone either. These are simply my thoughts from a rant I went on and it IS only my intension to heal myself a little and this is how I do it. I process... I blog.

Somewhere between yesterday and now, I got a serious case of the WTF’s? And now sometime between then and well, tomorrow, I started laughing and pretty much can’t stop. This is stupid. In the history of stupid, this takes the stupid cake. No wait, I think my ex who wanted to stay living at home with his mother while I was buying my own home still takes the stupid cake. But this is just…. Dumb. If for no other reason than we had not even begun yet. The good parts were just in reach and now… WTF?

And I don’t want to be petty. I don’t even really want to write too much about it. Mostly for fear that I’ll really F up something that I already F’ed up in the first place. But it’s on my mind and it’s just… WTF? Really? I have the career from hell sometimes and believe me, while I love it, it’s truly a spawn of Satan. Considering that I never know what I’ll get when I go into the office or a kids home, it’s gotta be up there in danger work and I don't get hazard pay. And talk about a total mind f… (Yeah, I’m trying to censor. There may be a lot of those in this one. ) My career, that I willingly chose blows my f'ing mind sometimes. And I love it. I thrive on it. Ok, I may just be a little crazy myself but really… I love my work and I am happy with my success. But at the end of the day, I want to die from it sometimes because my body is so tired and I’m so brain dead. AND top that with a healthy dose of… I’ve got myself a nifty Thyroid Disease with no F'ing cure and lots of dietary restrictions that while, some are yummy, drive me fricken nuts.

… OK, I willingly walked away from all my Docs and really have no plans to go back except for my yearly visit to the vamps in the lab. So, I am doing the diet thing to myself. But in the scheme of things and in the case of feeling at about 80% on my bestest of days, I’ll take it. Sure would love to feel 100% but maybe that will come back in time. And still as this F'ing thing progresses, I’m going to get sicker. It gets worse before it gets better. Try moving through life like that. OK, that was harsh… I do move through life though. I just don’t let it get to me too much (in public). And still, I’m alone with an unf’ing believable career and a disease in a house that I take care of all on my own. How am I not dead yet? How am I not completely F’ing exhausted? How am I DOING all this stuff?

My point is that there is a lot that I carry with me throughout the day. I have all the families that I work with and my own schtuff on my shoulders (personal life, family, my own private thoughts and my health). How am I still walking? How did I not end up in a private padded room with one of those jackets that make you hug yourself? What makes me so F’ing different that I’m surviving all this crap? Not to mention a past that is wrought with both good and bad situations and decisions. Those that basically formed who I am today. Not to mention the almost untimly end back in 2000. I’ll tell you what it is… Resiliency. The stuff that when the Zombies take over New Hampshire and the rest of the free world, will let me survive just a little while longer than most. That’s right, I’m nothing but F'ing resilient. And I’ll keep going. Probably won’t out live the F'ing cockroaches though.

At the end of this day, I’m on those dating sites. OK, just one because I REFUSE to pay for a computer to find me a guy. No wait, strike that, I thought I found a guy.  I can do it on my own. I thought that I did it on my own. I just apparently need a vehicle to do so since my life is so unf'ing believable sometimes. I get busy… Who doesn’t? My problem is that I thought I was done with it all. Well, none the less, I’m on and most of the guys look like… Well…. Yeah, I can’t really say anything nice here so I’ll hold my tongue. And there I am, looking at them looking at me. The thing I’m thinking is “I’m so out of your league”…. “Move on” and a few “Oh God NO!” ‘s. Maybe there is someone out there... Guess I'll have to wait and see.

I was told that I would know him when I see him and that it would be a relationship like no other I have experienced… It’s going to be a lot of work to get back to center after what just happened. And even as I type this out, I know that I am Fing around with karma. Ever so slightly, I can really piss off something and where will I be? Alone forever laughing at the crazy guys on the dating site because my life gets so busy I need a “friend” to find me a date. So, it’s not my intension to piss anyone off with this. It’s just my intension to process through this WTF moment that I have happened into. It just makes no sense to me. It’s senseless the way that I lost another good friend. Without warning and without explaination It gets easier and I am sure that I’ll know which end is up soon. But for now, it still feels unfinished. I feel unfinished.