Everybody Lies...

I have this saying that keeps running through my head… “Everybody lies”. Yes, I am guilty of it as well. I lie to myself every day it seems that my symptoms will just go away. That the pain will lessen instead of worsen. I lie to myself that “this time” things will be different. I lie to myself that my behaviors will not echo the same sabotaging antics that they always do. The truth is that we are all creatures of habit. We are all prone to insanity. We lie to ourselves that we will do things different next time and yet, we fall into old habits. The kids that I work with will under report drug use, cutting, and other violent, and other wise illegal and harmful acts to avoid trouble. That’s the key… To avoid trouble. So, we lie to ourselves and each other. And where am I going with this one???

My point is that recently, I came to the conclusion that I’m done with doctors. This whole Hashimoto’s thing has completely consumed my life and I’d like it to not do that anymore. So, I made the choice to not go to doctor after doctor. I’m done. Of course, I’m lying right now. I’m going to one more ARNP and then I’m officially done. The thing of it is, I’m going to the ARNP with kind of a half hearted enthusiasm. I hold out no hope for this one either. So, I lie to myself. And here’s the twist of it all. Not only do we lie to ourselves and to each other, we don’t listen either. I’m the queen of ignoring things and by things; I usually mean symptoms within myself. I’m the queen of pushing through and not listening to myself and what my body is experiencing. My point is that others don’t listen either. People seem to think that this is me giving up and giving in to the disease. They want me to talk about it constantly and they want me to go to doctor after doctor. I don’t want to be the girl who has a life ruled by doctors. I don’t to be the girl who spends week after week in the doctor’s office and they get to know her on a first name basis. I don’t want to be the girl who has test after test. Let’s face it, if you dig long enough, you will find something wrong. And then the lie will start again. You’re better off living in blissful ignorance rather than knowing every little thing that is wrong. Sometimes, it’s better that way…. And I lie because I'll be back in the doc's for regular blood draws and what not. I'm not done with them. I'm just done with them.

I realize now that I’ve wasted the better part of January caught in a state of perpetual concern and worry. I’ve been caught up with the pursuit of treatment that I’d forgotten how to live. I got caught up with my job and forgot how to have fun. Most importantly, I got caught up in perseverating over untrue emotions that I forgot how to progress through my day. I lost sight of myself and the forest for the trees. I lied to myself and forgot to just let things happen. I’m great at this and that in turn really kills anything that I’m hoping for. So, I go into damage control mode and that in turn really kills anything that I am hoping for. I’d be lying at this point if I didn’t say that I am really damaged goods. So, there you have it. My point is that in the last blog, I alluded to some pretty big worries. I’m still worried. I’m still hopeful. And at the same time, anyone who knows me knows I’m not a very hopeful person. I expect the worst all the time. I can compartmentalize like it’s no one’s business so, that is what saves me. I don’t want to though. Not anymore. And I’d be lying if I didn’t add that I’ll do it again… It, like lying is a survival technique. I'm no good at just leting things be and I'm no good at just letting things grow. I'm great at rushing things and smothering things or worse, just letting things go because I assume to much. And then I lie to myself to make myself feel better.

So, here is me not lying… In this blog. Here is me putting things out to the universe in the hope that someone else is experiencing the same thing or at the very least listening intently. I love myself and it’s taken me a long time to get here. I can be a very fun lovign and happy go lucky person who sems to have this rahter intense side to her that is a little hard to take sometimes. Whether I’m lying to survive or not, I am basically a good person who wants her disease to go away. Who wants her relationships to flourish. Who has some really good things happening in her life and wants to see them continue to grow and thrive regardless of how hard it is for her to containe her anxiety and her own worry.  I’m of course lying to myself since I’m going to be falling back into old habits no matter how many times I try and pull myself out of things. I just hope that in the aftermath, the truth is greater than the fiction and that life sides with the hopeful cynic.