So, 3:30am and I’m wide awake. Is it insomnia if you were able to get at least 3 hours of sleep before you woke up? I don’t think so in this case. I’ve not been able to sleep through the night consistently for a while now and truthfully, I fought tonight for an hour so I've been up since 2:30am. I have days here and there where I can squeeze out about 6 hours. And for the most part, even those nights I’m waking up and falling back to sleep within 15 minutes. Tonight… This morning… My bodies not having it. So, I’m awake… Fully awake. My mind is spinning. I had to get up and sit up since laying down I could hear my heart beat in my ears and that is what tends to keep me up. The palpitations are really loud these days. They seem to go away when I sit up. Especially if they wake me up. Mind blowing and unfucking believable if you ask me. Oh yeah, there’s nothing wrong with me in so far as my Hashimoto’s is concerned. This is normal… This is my life. You know what I say… Whatever.
There’s nothing like an early morning to get your mind going and really get you thinking. Not just about what ever medical thing you have going on… Thinking about well, everything. It seems that the cards have been stacked against me for a while but I keep fighting. I keep pushing myself. I’ve been doing all this on my own for so long, I am starting to wonder if I am capable of letting someone else in to help me. I want soneone else to come in and help me. I'm just not good at asking them to do that. What I mean is that I’ve lived on my own and essentially alone for so long that I’m pretty sure that my independence will be the death of me. And yet, I am tired of doing things on my own. Especially now that I’m “sick”. And oh yeah, I’m not really sick by modern medical standards. I just have this strange cluster of symptoms that gives me the illusion that I am sick. It’s all in my head remember, since I look perfectly healthy.
I digress and tangent again… Back to the independence thing. Yeah, I’m super independent and truthfully I love it. I love the fact that in spite of all the odds stacked against me, I’ve been able to claw my way out of some pretty outrageous situations and eek out a decent living on my own. With a little help, I’ve even bought my own home and now it’s up to me to maintain it. No one else is around to do things so, I need to keep going. I have this adaptability within me that while I hate change, I can fit into any new situations relatively well. Once I get through some uncomfortable feelings and resolve myself to going with it. I mean, I pretty much rearranged my life in 2002 after leaving radio behind. I lived off of nothing with no help from a now ex that would not even lend me emotional support let alone physical support. Yet he would yell at me that I didn't ask for help. And I survived many devastating blows to my psyche up to now. Least I forget about the whole” near death if I had made one wrong decision I would not be here” experience. Yeah, kinda makes me a little stronger than most. My point is that I’m pretty independent and that has been my downfall. And now that I have this Hashimoto’s thing, I’m still independent. There’s one problem… I’m just so tired. I really just want someone to help me every now and again. My body is exhausted and I am not sure how I’m going to keep going some days. And I push myself… Because no one else is around to do anything and I can sit here and cry or I can get moving. So, that's what I do. I pull myself together and get moving. And even today, after being up since about 2:30ish, I’ll still have to keep going. Welcome to adulthood, no one said it would be like this. We all thought it would be fun. Or at least a more constant form of fun. No one said that it would be work. Let alone work with an autoimmune disease. I try not to let it bother me but after the fifth time shoveling a driveway in the winter, I’m a little tired and just want someone to take care of me for a while. I need a break from myself.
Along with my unique set of circumstances, I’ve lived a life essentially alone. And the prospect of remaining that way is real to me. Not really happy about that and I’m trying to have that not happen. I have people in my life but they are scattered around the country and pretty much distance kills us with getting together on a regular basis. Life got busy and I forgot to make close friends. Not to mention the fact that I kept moving so, I was never around long enough to have people stay in my life. And finding that special person to share your life with now it’s tough, when you have not dated for a long time. I’m so use to being the old married couple after spending 8 years with the same guy. Now, I’m trying to have a relationship with someone who is supportive and nice and really trying to put up with my crazy manic antics. Far from a rebound guy, I’m trying really hard to not unleash all the crazy at once. My problem is that I get so wrapped up in the confusion of my life that I’m pretty sure I’m chasing him away rather than bringing him into my life. I'm good at a relationship when it's a year old. When it's brand new, not so much. Mostly because people have just kind of walked away from me without warning and I'm so scared that will happen again. All this of course has little to do with the concept of Hashimoto’s unless I can somehow tie it to my manic thoughts. Bottom line is that I’m 38 years old and it’s clear to me that I’ve missed the boat on quite a few things due to my independence. I’m 38 years old and I’ve probably missed the boat on having children of my own and that is a depressing thought in itself. I can tie that directly to the Hashimoto’s as there are fertility issues tied into the disease. I’m 38 years old and just hoping that this next phase of life is a little easier because up until now, life has been a struggle. I’m just really looking for some people to share my life with and that one special guy to have coffee with in the morning and share my day with at night. I think I’ve found him… I just have to get through the growing pains of a new relationship first. Here’s hoping that in spite of all that I have stacked against me, life sides with the hopeful skeptic. The girl who wants the fairytale but has settled into the nightmare since that seems to be what she is used to. It’s so much more than a Hashimoto’s thing sometimes…
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