There’s a journey that starts for each of us usually at birth. We only seem to become aware of the different paths when we are sometimes in crisis. Occasionally, we become aware of our journey when inspiration strikes and you literally see all the pieces begin to fall into place. It seems that I have come into just such a time in my life. It’s never been about the destination or the amount of “stuff” I can accumulate. It’s never been about the people who have come and gone in my life. Although they have played a large part in this journey and recently I credit several awakenings to those that have come and gone. It has always been about me… Finding who I am. And what I have embarked on is truly amazing and scary and freeing. At almost thirty nine, I am finally figuring out who I am and what I am capable of. My story is just now being written.
So, today I began to peel away the layers to find the beginning of this amazing leg of my life. At first I thought it was recently when one particular water bearer pushed me to the very edge of my comfort zone and over with regard to what I am capable of in my life. That was not the case however, it certainly was part of the bigger picture. Then I thought that it was the new career path that I began walking on. Certainly part of it all again but not the beginning. Of course, there was the revelation of my early start down the path of Thyroid disease. While I wish I had not turned down this path so early, I have. And again, this is not the beginning either. Nor was it striking out on my own after eight years of being a duo. It sounds funny but I believe that the very catalyst of this particular leg of my journey began with a Yankee Swap gift at Christmas time 2008 and thus contains all those other moments that I spoke of. That gift was a guide to hiking trails and mountains in New Hampshire. Yes, I fought the Yankee Swap process to keep this book. I had a feeling that it would somehow play a part in my future journey. And now, here it is…. I’ve only just begun and yet I am already too far in to turn back.
And now, today, I realized that receiving that book back in 2008 and thinking to myself that "I’ll be able to do a lot of hiking through this" and how much I’ve wanted to hike around New Hampshire means a whole lot more to me. Given the experiences that have lead up to this very realization. It’s been a journey fraught with ups and downs of magnificent proportion. Learning how to live again singular as opposed to a duo was hard enough. Learning how to manage a household on my own and then manage it with a disease that has the potential to wipe out my very energy stores that keep me going was another obstacle to climb over. I would get down. Seriously down and… Almost give up... Everything. But something would pick me up. Something kept me going. Something said to me, "Find another way. Make a change. You can do this". It wasn’t anything but my own inner voice. Bringing all this under control was difficult for me at best. Reinventing the self is never easy and I am still in process. Last year, it seemed I was confined to the house and the couch. Or I was just sticking around the local area as I began getting use to this new body I was now living in as I began bringing this disease under control. Summer came and went without as much as a walk in the woods. Winter set in and I began my hibernation. As the sun came back out, I told myself that I would not have another summer like last summer (the summer that wasn't). It was time. And I was going to do this with or without someone by my side. While many have promised to join me, that trail partner has yet to come. Still, something had awakened within me and I could not let it rest. Yes, it was time for me to figure out who I was.
As the summer approached, I began to really put all the pieces of this leg of the journey together. There are actually two areas that I am most drawn to; The Ocean and the Mountains. This I have always known but kept it silent at times. Talk about two extremes… A brief word on the beloved ocean, I am planning on learning to surf in the next summer season while immersing myself in the world during the off season. I have always wanted to do this and when this desire was reawakened recently, I have never let it rest since then. I can remember distinctly sitting on my beach at home growing up and knowing that I would surf someday. Next summer, for sure.
And then then there is the hiking. It all began with a thought to hike some state parks to clear my head and get in touch with myself. Of course this was brought on by some significant events (mini explosions) in my life that once again caused me to reevaluate exactly who I was, where I came from, where I was going, and what I was doing. Not that I was rewriting my story. More like my story was just coming to light… Finally. During these hikes, I seemed to talk myself through some pretty amazing things and continue to realize who I am and what I am capable of. I have this ongoing conversation with something greater than myself that seems to now move me on to this journey of self-discovery. It has taken me a lot of darkness to get to the light. To continue to overcome obstacle after heart ache after obstacle, I am well on my way to something pretty amazing and I never want it to end.
I’ve been given this chance to share my story… This much I will always believe: All events have a greater significance if we make the connections between them. They make up the greater journey of life that has many trails and climbs. This much I know about myself and about my journey; That I love the outdoors (I always have) and I’m (currently) a solo hiker with the dream to climb 67 4,000+ft mountains in New England and to find myself along the way. Nothing can stop me except myself and the limitations that I place on me. And after all, a journey takes a life time… So, off I go...
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